Wonderful Horrible Day

Today at Millennium, I played a lot with Belen. I have very mixed emotions about spending so much time with her. Everyone seems to be more drawn to one or two kids than others, so I'm thinking that that's nothing unusual. We had a great time today. I had her and Isbania on the swingset together. When it was just the three of us, I tried to get Belen to talk. She babbled some. She can make the sounds [k,g,m,b,a,u,o]. I got her to say her name for me, just once, and only barely, but she did say it. I tried to teach her to say "pato" the Spanish word for "duck." She tried really hard, but she can't make the [t] sound. So she called her "pato" (she had a rubber duck) "papa." Eh, well, that works for now. Usually, she is so non-interactive. I feel like everytime I've played with her, I've really made a conscientious effort to get her to play with other kids or at least talk or babble with me. She's too much in a shell. Some would say she's just a shy little girl, but if you could be around her, just sort of feel the heaviness coming off her, I think you would know what I mean. We sat in the sun awhile, and she alternated between giving me her duck and her flower to kiss. So I kissed them, and then she kissed them. Earlier, she had given me a kiss. That melted me a little bit, no... a lot. She just clings on and buries her head, and I don't want her to get too attached, but at the same time, I don't want to refuse her the affection that I'm able to give right here right now. Tomorrow it's all over. I know that. But she doesn't. She rolled a ball back and forth with me today. Laughed. Put her arms up over her head and hollered. She passed her toys back and forth while swinging with a little boy named Josito (probably Jose with a diminuitive). I pushed her around in a toy car. She took a step beyond her usual obedient passivity today and actually let me know what she wanted, pointing to where she wanted me to steer the car. She wasn't too thrilled about having to get out of the car to eat her lunch. I can understand that. I really liked my Little Tikes car when I was little, too. It was awesome. Lunch wasn't important then. Well after lunch, I gave her the duck and she gave it a kiss again. Then she gave me another kiss, and I took her upstairs to put her down for her nap, like I have several times this month. As soon as she hit the bed, (remember she is usually very passive and obedient) she started crying. As I was taking her shoes off, the cry got louder. I laid her down, and then she was bawling. I tried to rub her little belly and cheeks to get her to calm down and take her nap. I told her I'd be back tomorrow... don't know how much of a difference that really makes though, since after that I have to leave for good anyway... but she wouldn't relax. I lifted her head up to give her a kiss goodbye, hoping that would calm her down since she seemed to be all about the affection today. Well, she quieted a bit, but once I lay her down for good, the cry was back. I walked away from the crib, and the cry became a bawl. I walked out the door, and the bawl became an outright screaming sob. I felt like a total ass. I want nothing more than to just take all the pain out of that little two year old soul, but there's only so much one can accomplish in a month. I'd bring her home, but there are rules and laws and ridiculous government policies. Or... if I can't bring her home, I kinda get it. I'm in college. I'm not stable. But why the eff (Grandma's reading this- HI, MAMMAW LOVE YOU) can't a well-established professional take her home? I am indescribably angry and heartbroken. This is a public blog, and more people than I initially intended are reading this. That's fine. All are welcome. But I have to ask myself, why am I spilling all this to the masses? Well, because I think someone has to. My truth is all I have, and this is it. I can't deny the emotional component of this trip. In fact, that's the biggest part of this trip for me. When I come home, I'm not going to think of Chepare and the monkeys or the convent or the museum every day. They'll be in my mind intermittently, but Belen will be there every day. We have to write cards as an assignment to someone in the community, and mine is going to be to Belen. I started it, and it was really hard to write. But sometimes if something's hard, that's all the more reason to do it. I wish I could have the peace of mind of knowing that in the years to come Belen will be loved and well cared for... I had to put her to bed today with a dirty diaper because of the diaper limit. That sucked. I hope there is someone in her life who can devote their time and attention on her, make her feel special, loved, and capable. I wish you all back home could meet her. She's a truly exceptional little girl, and I'm so proud of her. It took a lot of effort for her to break out of her shell to play with us all this month. It was a gradual, day by day process. I hope she won't clam up again as soon as we leave. I've tried to get her to play some with other kids, so hopefully she'll interact with them more on her own. If any of you nutjob hippies (love to all) feel so inclined, please send out your prayers/thoughts/good energy to Belen and all the little ones at Millennium today. They aren't totally miserable, and I won't say that they are. But, a little positivity never hurt anyone. Send it their way. Thanks.

Love to all.
Peace and blessings,
Casie